Libido is our life force. It is the serpent that we received and that took us out of the neuter state (infertile/uncreative) of childhood and into the creative potentials of adolescence and adulthood. However, very rarely are we easily receiving this serpent. Due to the stirring it creates within us and due to external influences that seek to ‘hijack’ it, we struggle with it, reject it, artificially control it, deny it, avoid facing it and every other thing under the Sun instead of entering a dialogue with it. Being initiated into creative adulthood and the power of the serpent is threatening because if we have power that also means that we are responsible for how we wield that power. This power demands honesty and constant facing of one self — something most of us are not ready for.
The distortions around libido affect both men and women. Volupta focuses on topics relevant to women so I shall focus on their experience, but men can also take that which resonates with their experiences (or it can serve as a mirror to how they relate to women/feminine libido).
One may think that frozen or imbalanced libido makes one sexless or reluctant to have sex — however, that does not have to be the case. What is more likely is that imbalances will have you swing between extremes of promiscuity and disgust with sexuality. The essence of any imbalance is that there is no coherence, there is no Unity from which you operate so you are at the mercy of external forces and your own, subconscious, hidden desire and the conscious shame you feel about it. It leads to a very black and white, dogmatic and rigid thinking where there are no nuances or colours.
If you as a woman have ever had violent fantasies, if you had flirted with idea of being humiliated, degraded or treated badly, you have to know that this is a sign of an imbalance. All of this is, whether you are aware of it or not, a way to create a separation, a wall between you and the person, so that the true intimacy is never experienced. Instead of touching each other’s hearts and bodies, what you touch are each other’s fears and demons. We often hear how these things can be like an addiction — it starts with something small but then you need something more extreme.
This is because the imbalanced libido will still seek to flow and be churned. But since you are so restrictive and terrified of receiving the force that comes towards you (and yet you desire it), you tighten up and then need that force to in a way ‘break you’ in order to make you expand, to make you vast, large, vibrating, instead of tight and small that you normally are.
Tight and rigid, you go against yourself, against the Womb, against life. The Womb is vast and boundless, she stretches, expands and continually creates space. The essence of her Love is in the creation of space for another to dwell inside of her. When you go against this, you crave this spaciousness and vastness, but you reject it because you fear it. And you fear it because vastness cannot be micromanaged, controlled or subjugated — not by you, not by a man, not by society, politics, religion or anything else. You cannot put space in a little box, you cannot define it, you cannot see it, but it is this space that allows for anything to exist and for every star to shine.
When you hold your hand in a fist, and then that fist is forcibly open for you to receive something, you experience shock and trauma because it happened through violence and force instead of relaxation and ease. That means that the next time, you will hold that fist even tighter, your nails will dig even deeper, and you will desire it open (because that is the only way you can receive the blessings) yet fear even more, so even more violence, even more force will be required to open it. It can reach the point where you cannot open your hand to receive unless a tremendous amount of violence (psychic or physical) is applied to it — you fear opening the hand, yet if you do not open and receive the blessings, you remain hungry and poor. This is a schizophrenic state in which the head and the body pull you in completely different directions until you are torn apart. The ‘food’ you take is feeding a cancerous cell that just expands and expands. The more ‘food’ you take (because you hope to nourish you and because you need it in that rigid state), the more aggressive it becomes.
The core of this discomfort for women is in the fact that the female anatomy gets its pleasure and orgasm from receiving force and power—this does not mean violence; a man who would seek to violate you is psychotic and in his own imbalances and you should stay away from him—but power as pure energy, electricity, light. Ideally, it is an expression of his devotion and gratitude towards you — you awaken his power and force within him (his erection) and now he gives it back to you so that you can feel and enjoy ‘the god of your own making.’
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