Slow & Unhurried for Desire & Intimacy
Subtlety & slowness for deep & lasting bonds.
[This article is free to read and open for everyone]
“Everything is so fast nowadays” is an expression that we often hear. The speed of our times and the anxieties it causes is daily written of. Yet in spite of its speed, many of us feel quite bored, unmoved, uninspired and indifferent. Maybe a better word than “fast” is the word “hurry”. Speed on its own is not bad. In fact, the speed may excite us and take us to where we need to be. But haste and urgency fill us with dread and anxiety. Their root is lack and fear, not faith and pursuit which may often accompany the speed.
We frequently find that this world of haste lacks depth, substance, connection, intimacy or meaning. Subtlety and depth demand slowness. Anxious and neurotic, wishing for a quick resolution rather than a cultivation, we drop everything that does not soothe the anxieties or neuroses. Or we attempt to maniacally control another.
It is an image of a person who, fearing that it will never be reached, focuses too much on the climax, and in that fearful pursuit, misses so many feelings, so many sensations, so many chances for connection and intimacy. The moment comes, and we are left empty and so far from the high state we hoped to be in — and that is because we did not feel, we did not connect, in fact, we made ourselves separate both from ourselves and the person with us. We wanted to devour, and in doing so, we devoured ourselves too.
Of speed, consumer-like, dehumanising and humiliating nature of modern dating and dating apps much has been written. But instead of offering standard platitudes and critiques, the purpose of this article is also to show an alternative — ways and attitudes that facilitate development of feeling, intimacy and connection.
Desire has a hard time flourishing in an environment that prizes quick results. That is because desire thrives in anticipation. It is in that anticipation that the classic elements of “love sickness” come to develop — thinking about them, the things they said, wondering what is to come, sleepless nights, anxious checking of the phone and everything else. It may be considered weak or silly in the era that values indifference or “not giving a f…”, but that is simply fear of vulnerability and obsession with maintaining a certain image of yourself (to yourself) — it is an obstacle in creating a connection with yourself or another.
Slowness
Slowness allows for a layered connection to build. It also allows to cease seeing the other person as a mere sum of traits (that we may or may not deem desirable) but as a human being with a subjectivity and a story. The “list of traits” assumes that people are yet another purchasable product. There is nothing wrong with having preferences or traits we find attractive or not, but rigidity makes it impossible for any spontaneity to occur, which can make a connection dull from the very beginning. It makes us behave in a way that is overly artificial and performative. Rigid is anxious, cold and unreceptive.
Slowness can be a soothing balm to the “onto the next one” culture that leaves all of us (both men and women) feeling disposable. We want to feel special to those we have relationships or bonds with (be they romantic, friendly or otherwise). None of us wants to be just another item that they can replace with an updated version. When you have a patient, slow approach, what you are doing is allowing for a natural, rather than a forced unfolding. It builds trust and allows for shared experiences to happen.
Many women are concerned about slowness developing into what we may call a “situationship” or a relationship in which she feels that she is wasting her time. This publication is focusing on women and favours a feminine perspective, but I have, which may surprise some, heard of similar experiences from men — many women they encountered did not want anything deep or serious and just wanted dates, gifts or experiences.
It is very easy to differentiate between a “slow burn” and a “situationship” and the easiest way to do so, is in seeing whether there is purpose or clarity. In a “slow burn”, there is a clear intent to get to know each other with the possibility of a future together. The words are consistent, they align with the actions, and even if things are slow, there is a progress. At no point does the relationship feel stagnant or stale. There is emotional honesty and openness as well as genuine investment of the both persons (the “relationship” has to be bigger than both of you as individuals). In a “situationship”, it is almost the opposite — ambiguity rules, you have no clarity, you are confused, it is stagnant, it moves nowhere, all you do is pass time and emotional intimacy of any sort is avoided. Usually we know and feel when this is the case, but we love to deceive ourselves. Or we are simply afraid of leaving something behind.
Subtlety
Slowness provides the foundation and space for the subtlety to flourish. When you are slow, you become more nuanced and attuned, which allows you to be more subtle. The two together create a dynamic that is magnetic yet elusive, inviting for a deeper connection. Subtle is attentive, indirect, sophisticated, mysterious, delicate yet open and receptive. It fosters mystery and so, deepens the connection, creating the dynamic that is alive and constantly evolving.
To be delicate or subtle is to express your desires and wants, to be vulnerable in doing so (to express a need, a desire of another makes us feel vulnerable), and yet to not hold another person hostage to your vulnerability or the truth you said and expressed. The fact that you moved and responded to truth within should be a reward of its own. Using it to hold another person hostage is not vulnerability but a manipulation.
Subtlety in a relationship prevents the overwhelm, the feeling in which it is a competition of who outwits who or who gets to burden the other with their personal baggage and expectations more.
A little restraint means that vulnerability is revealed gradually, and it comes from a place of confidence and truth, rather than a place of wishing for someone to save us from our own feelings. Doing so, it also allows for a relationship to feel more balanced, because both people are revealing their thoughts, feelings and intentions.
As always, here are some practical steps and ways to cultivate slowness and subtlety for more depth and intimacy in your relationships:
Presence over Goals - Try to focus on being with the other person instead of constantly focusing on the future outcomes. It does not mean do not voice your desires, but do not treat the other person as a mere vehicle that gets you to where you want to be in life. They to you (or you to them) cannot be just a means to an end. When you have the moments together, truly be present — listen, engage, ask interesting questions and offer responses that are authentic and truthful rather than planned and contrived.
Be Comfortable with Silence - Often, when a pause appears in a conversation, we feel that each one of them requires to be filled. But it does not have to be so — you can just allow for the silence to be silence. Shared silences allow for deeper thoughts to emerge, it gives another person a chance to digest and truly think about what you said.
Speak Less, Say More - Rather than speaking or talking too much, allow your actions and expressions to convey a meaning. Try not to explain everything you say. Do not make compliments or express something then withdraw or justify. If you like someone or find them enjoyable, you can just tell them that. You also do not have to psychoanalyse and explain all the reasons you like them. If they ask about why you like them, then give an answer that is from the heart, that conveys a feeling, a truth, rather than a cold and detached analysis.
Meaningful Gestures - The art of subtlety lies in doing something unexpected yet thoughtful. It is an act that communicates to the other person that you paid attention to them and made sure to remember. This is spoken in small and meaningful acts more than in grand gestures. Remembering someone’s favourite dessert, or something they said or mentioned casually that points towards something they enjoy or like and incorporating that in a gesture is a way to both express your dedication and also build intimacy and lasting connection.
Build an Emotional Atmosphere - This is where subtlety and slowness meet. To build an emotional atmosphere requires slowness because to do so effectively and meaningfully, we must not rush or control, but surrender to the moment, allowing the atmosphere to be “birthed” from the interaction of the two. Subtlety, however, is a great helper, because it is subtlety that creates feelings rather than stating them outright. You can set the tone of conversation with warmth and kindness, rather than directly steering it towards emotional topics as such — rather than demanding of a person to reveal some parts of themselves, you can create an atmosphere in which doing so is allowed and welcomed. You can express your desires of course, but do it in a way in which you claim the desire for yourself and yourself alone. For example, saying: “I would love for our relationship to deepen.” in a warm and open manner, with an ease, and then just allowing the other person to decide what to do with that. Maybe they will join you in deepening the relationship, maybe not — but by giving another the freedom to have their feelings and responses, you also give yourself to have yours.
I hope that the article provides you with needed information and skills to build relationships that feel rich, timeless and deep. Remember, it has nothing to do with withholding, playing games or manipulations — it is about a deliberate, playful rhythm that before everything, reflects respect towards both yourself and the other person, and the relationship and its potential.
Feel free to join the conversation,
Until next time, Volupta.
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