On Fearing Yourself

Are you afraid of Her?

By Édouard Frédéric Wilhelm Richter (French; 1844 - 1913)

“Why should she give her bounty to the dead?
What is divinity if it can come
Only in silent shadows and in dreams?
Shall she not find in comforts of the sun,
In pungent fruit and bright, green wings, or else
In any balm or beauty of the earth,
Things to be cherished like the thought of heaven?
Divinity must live within herself:
Passions of rain, or moods in falling snow;
Grievings in loneliness, or unsubdued
Elations when the forest blooms; gusty
Emotions on wet roads on autumn nights;
All pleasures and all pains, remembering
The bough of summer and the winter branch.
These are the measures destined for her soul.”
- “Sunday Morning”, Wallace Stevens

How many times have we heard it said—within our cultural discourse or by other women—that men are “afraid” of powerful women? Or that men are disturbed by the image of an unrestrained female sexuality? Or that they do not recognise, understand or value the Feminine, the Goddess, Venus? Probably it was many times you heard this and many times that you yourself repeated these utterances without giving them much thought or seeing whether they match your experience.

But how about you? Are you afraid of yourself? Are you disturbed by yourself? Do you not recognise, understand or value the Feminine, the Goddess, Venus? Do you treat your own fascinations, especially those considered ‘feminine’ or belonging to the sensual, intuitive and ‘irrational’ aspect of reality as frivolities? Do you call them silly and goofy? Do you infantilise your passions and yourself around men that you seek to get the validation from? He can’t see the hidden meanings and truths in your sensual expression or your connection to the subtle realm. You internalise his limits instead of facing the truth that he cannot see you and since he cannot see you, there is nothing he can offer you or do for you. You are disappointed because ignorant and blind, the only thing he can be is your slave. Even as he laughs at or mocks your ‘frivolities’, even as he tells you to keep silent, deep inside you know that he is your slave. You hoped for him to save you and for you to save him, but he chose to damn you both. You resent and hate him for it — it is fine, admit this to yourself.

Are you afraid of your capacity to love? Of your desire to love? Are you afraid to feel that love and express it because ‘men cheat’? Because you are afraid of getting hurt? Because you are afraid that he will lose interest? Do you as a result, tell yourself how “men are the real romantics” or “love better” even though you yourself never experienced such love from a man? Yet you say it because you hope that you will inspire him to love you the way you want to be loved? If you are afraid to feel love, what makes you think that you are vast enough to receive a man’s love? Or embody it and nourish it as he places seeds of it within you? You are terrified of the Phallus and a man’s love is penetrative — it is not a mother’s love that tucks you in to sleep; it sheds Light, brings discomfort and ‘growing pains’. And no, it is not violent. You are afraid of loving, you go halfway in your love because you are afraid to lose something. Adam follows Eve where she goes, and he will go halfway too.

Are you ashamed and afraid of your own sexuality even if you sing hymns of how sexually liberated you are and pursue sexual relationships? Do you still see it as something ‘done to you’ or as some service to him? Do you even like and enjoy the things you do ‘in bed’? Do you feel responsible for a man’s inability to control his ejaculations? Do you feel responsible for his compulsive need to release his own tension and so you place limits upon your own body and health, not even for your own pleasure, but to make it more convenient and easier for him? Is it a way for you to control him, to keep him in the line, to make sure he behaves well? Do you see sex (consciously or unconsciously) as something degrading and humiliating and yet give it to him? Imagine what confusion you create within a man when you allow him to do to you what you yourself have defined as degrading and humiliating? He will hate you for allowing him to do it to you just like you hate him when he allows you to make him into your slave. A man seeks the Goddess — and contrary to what you may think, he does not want to degrade and humiliate the Goddess. She is crucial on his path and when you internalise the shame, when you allow for what you consider degradation and humiliation (even if he initiates it because he picks up on your subconscious sexual desires), you deny him access to the Goddess.

Do you see your own body as a means to an end? We often accuse culture, patriarchy this or that of seeing women as incubators or objects, but again, I am asking — how about you? Do you use your own body and your own femininity as a means to an end? Is your sexuality but a currency to you? Is your body a tool for you through which you seek to obtain and achieve something? Or is it your life and reality? Do you see your femininity and Her as your life, your root, your reality, your existential truth from which you operate or is She a tool with which you seek to attract a partner or keep a partner? Is She a tool with which you seek to obtain a certain future or an idealised, perfect identity? Do you punish your body with severe diets and obsessive control because She must perform, behave and act a certain way? Can you sit with Her in illness and in discomfort or are you just like the men that you consider careless and oppressive and tell Her to shut up the moment She brings to attention some imbalance and impurity within you (usually through illness, pain or emotional discomfort)? The moment She speaks of Her needs, dreams, passions and desires?

Many books and articles have been written for men on this topic — there are many practices that tell men how to ‘liberate’ his Woman and through liberating her, learn to liberate his own Power. But I have seen very little written on how women themselves internalise the collective fear of the Feminine and there are not many experience-based (not just theory) practices that are offered. Many women are castrating and neutering themselves due to this fear — because yes, when that energy comes out, for a certain amount of time, it will be, what the society and collective ego, and if you are undifferentiated, you as well, will view as demonic (ferocious, destructive and consuming). This is because the released energetic force will first come after the impurities and filth. It will first seek to create the ashes. And the same will happen to the impurities and filth within you — the moment you liberate Her, She will come for your ‘head’, for all the imprints you internalised that do not align with the Truth.