I often tell and mention how men have been and are one of my greatest pleasures. I was never “one of the boys” nor did I want to be. I was very comfortable and happy in my femaleness — there was no impulse to win validation of men by demonstrating how well I participate in their “games” or fit in their world. Rather than being the one to join them while they were playing basketball, I was more the one to observe and look (and maybe single out or isolate the one I was curious about and wished to explore). I was curious about their world and existence and I also profoundly enjoyed how energising and nourishing men’s energy can be.
The pleasure derived from men, of course, can and does include the experience of going out, flirting, gifts, romance and sex. But the pleasure can also be found in the honest and open conversations, discussions — in the explorations of each other’s worlds and experience of reality. At the heart of the deepest pleasure between a man and a woman is the process of knowing the Other, of merging with something that is both like and unlike yourself. Ideally, it leaves both of you changed for the better.
Far from it that there was never conflict, confrontation, misunderstandings, hurt and tears (on both sides), but those did not make the relationships any less pleasurable. Quite the opposite — the greatest pleasure comes from this ever expanding range of experience; that is how your life becomes fuller. All of this can also be a sign that some movement and churning is happening. Often, the more “mess” comes out to the surface from your mutual churning, the bigger the transformational potential of the relationship.
If you are self aware and conscious as a woman, a man will reveal so many of your own colours and angles, many of which have been unknown to you. He is your greatest teacher, just a woman is a man’s greatest teacher if he is perceptive and courageous.
As a woman, you may flip between two extremes when it comes to men — you either have elaborate fantasises and ideals about that one man that you hope to be the solution to all your problems or you look towards men with contempt. These are not separate either — the fantasy makes it impossible to relate to real men which leads to eventual contempt when the men of flesh and blood fail to live up to the ideal. Or when they refuse to be a mere tool in our fantasy.
This is not to suggest that you are not allowed to feel contempt (or anything) — maybe a man has promised castles and towers only to “ghost” and run away, maybe he has come to the dinner table full of prejudice and lines from podcasts he has listened, maybe he was explicit and lustful and it made you feel uneasy. There is nothing wrong with the feeling as such, but there are also attitudes and states of mind that you can adopt that will give you more power in these situations so that you do not leave every interaction or relationship with a man more jaded and contemptuous, bringing more baggage and assumptions about men into every new encounter.
As always, Volupta will offer you some practical advice and techniques that you can apply in your life if you feel called to.